Therefore, the aim of this blog-article is not to present a case for dating equality (except for assuring you that the dating inequality discussed in this article does in fact exist) – nor to explain why dating equality ought to be seen as a priority among the issues facing transgender people – and even less to offer any suggestions what could be done to advance that cause. There may eventually be other articles written on these subjects – but this one, instead, is focused specifically on clearing away the misunderstanding of what “dating equality” means in the first place, as that misunderstanding is clearly an obstacle to discussing anything else on the subject.
Many people assume that when I complain about dating inequality affecting transgender people, that I am merely complaining about the fact that some people find transgender people less-desirable than cisgender people. In reality, though, I realize that any trait someone might have can be a turn-off to some would-be romantic partners – and that there is nothing wrong with the fact that being transgender is no exception to this.
Unfortunately, though, this is not the only obstacle that a transgender person (and especially a transgender woman) faces in dating. In addition to having to overcome the fact that, inevitably, some people will find us less-attractive, we also have to contend with the fact that even if someone does find us desirable, he may still be hesitant to act upon such attraction due to social pressures ranging from casual teasing to loss of societal privileges that he might enjoy if he simply passes us up for a cisgender woman.
I should note now that when I say “he”, it is not out of any presumption on whether this does or doesn’t affect trans-lesbians the way it affects straight trans-women – and even more not out of any assumption of heteronormativity – but merely out of the fact that obstacles facing straight trans-woman are what I know about enough to write competently. Writing about the issues facing transgender lesbians is better left to someone who is more familiar with those issues.
Anyway, in addition to the pressure placed on any prospective partner to suppress his interest in a trans-woman, society places double-standards on transgender women which can also taint a would-be partner’s view of her, and therefore the chances of him being interested in her. For example, women in dating are generally advised to put their best foot forward – first exposing their date to the traits that they wish to be desired because of – and only once their prospective partner has had a chance to appreciate these traits is she advised to expose the traits that she wants to be desired in spite of. Someone else might not understand why a woman would prefer to be desired in-spite of a particular trait rather than because of it – but it is nonetheless a decision that is accepted as being hers to make and nobody else’s.
Where transgender status is concerned, however, a trans-woman’s wish to be desired in-spite of it rather than because of it is rarely respected. Her transgender status many people view as something that a date (or even a prospective date) is “entitled” to know up-front, and that she is deceptive if she doesn’t honor this double-standard of an expectation. As a matter of fact, many people who think of themselves as allies have the hubris to accuse a trans-woman of lack-of-pride if she so much as asserts that this expectation is even an imposition – so ubiquitous is society’s attitude of a trans-woman being obligated to disclose her transgender status up-front to every dating prospect.
This expectation (aside from putting her life at risk whether she honors that expectation or not) creates a huge hurdle for any trans-woman who wishes to find a partner who will desire her despite her transgender status rather than because of it. And this expectation is in no way a result of the inevitability of people having their personal preferences – but is absolutely one-hundred-percent a product of societal attitudes. Yes, personal preference can account for someone wishing they could know something up-front – but that is just as true for any other trait someone can have as it is for transgender status. Dating inequality, however, isn’t about someone wishing they could know something up-front, but about someone feeling entitled to know it up-front to the point of labeling someone as “deceptive” for not feeling comfortable disclosing it at the very beginning of an acquaintance. Wishing and entitlement are not the same thing.
With these huge hurdles a trans-woman faces in dating, she would not just have to marginally outshine a cisgender woman whom a prospective partner could date instead – but would have to outshine her by such a margin that is generally-speaking unrealistic. As a result, her chances of ever finding a partner who desires her in an affirming manner (rather than one who fetishizes her transgender status) are extremely slim. There may be a few trans-women who find this – but remember this – a few rare exceptions do not prove that a phenomenon isn’t real. Also, this phenomenon may be more intense in some societies and geographical areas than it is in others – and there is the chance that it might also be varying in the degrees to which it affects different portions of the transgender community – so if you happen to know a trans-person who has no trouble dating at all, don’t cite that as “proof” that transgender dating inequality isn’t real – because despite what it may seem to you, in reality, that doesn’t prove anything at all.
Anyway – with any trait that a woman (or any person for that matter) might have, there are liable to be people who exoticize and/or otherwise fetishize that trait – but for most such traits, a woman with that trait will also have enough suitors who desire her without doing so in such a demeaning manner – or at very least, there will be a consensus among everyone who considers themself to be a true friend of hers that it aught to be so.
On the other hand, with all the social pressures and messages dissuading people from dating trans-women, it is rare that a trans-woman can find such an affirming partner – and not too often that cisgender friends (if she has any) would see her wanting such a partner as a reasonable thing to want. As a matter of fact – if a single guy were to come onto the scene and her friends take it upon themselves to find an eligible single woman to introduce him to – chances are that it won’t even enter their minds to consider the trans-woman as a possibility unless the guy is known to be a tranny-chaser.
When you realize that with all the traits that could cause a guy to pass-over an otherwise-desirable woman, very few of them would be deal-breakers if people are attempting to arrange an introduction, you will have realized just one aspect of what dating inequality is.
